|
Transforming Your Health in 90 days or Less
[ learn more ]
Restore Your Health and Vitality
Your body can heal itself without drugs and their painful or deadly side effects. You can live a long and healthy life. (E-Book)
|
Fibromyalgia Secrets Revealed
[ learn more ]
Relief from Fibromyalgia Symptoms
This special book describes in detail what you must know if you suffer from fibromyalgia symptoms and the quickest and easiest way you may be pain free (E-Book)
|
Balancing Your Hormones Without Drugs... You Can Feel Good Again
[ learn more ]
Hormone Imbalance
Hormone imbalance can be reversed! Look and feel better than ever, just take the time to learn about yourself and read the information contained in this just released e-book about reversing hormone imbalance. (E-Book)
|
Conquering Diabetes Using Natural Methods
[ learn more ]
Diabetes
This e-book will help you understand what causes Type II Diabetes (lifestyle induced) and how to restore balance to achieve ultimate or renewed health. (E-Book)
|
Conquering Heart Disease Using Natural Methods
[ learn more ]
Heart Disease
Poor health and degenerative disease are caused by poor choices and the environment you expose yourself to. (E-Book)
|
Conquering Infertility Using Natural Methods
[ learn more ]
Conquer Infertility
If you put forth the effort and follow our program, within 6 months you should become pregnant. (E-Book)
|
Weight Loss Ebook - Secrets Revealed - Revised Edition
[ learn more ]
Weight Loss
This is not only a weight loss program, it is also a plan for Total Health. (E-Book)
|
|
|
 |
| In this guide , the Dating and
Relationships content discussed focuses on traditional male/female
relationships. For supplemental material and resources with regards to
significant others in same- gender relationships, simply key in words or phrases
pertaining to the information you seek into your favorite search engine
directory.. Dr. Mégane Fabre
|
|
HEALTHY DATING
CONTENTS
INTRODUCTION TO RELATIONSHIPS
BACK TO BASICS: BODY LANGUAGE BRIEFING
ABCs OF A HEALTHY, HAPPY RELATIONSHIP
DATING AND RELATIONSHIP RESOURCES
DATING AND RELATIONSHIP TIPS
ONLINE DATING
LOWDOWN ON LONGLASTING LOVE
SELF-HELP GUIDE
ADDENDUM: GENERIC BUDGET WORKSHEET
INTRODUCTION TO RELATIONSHIPS
This guide presents an overall
look at the basics of relationships and dating, both in the real world and
online. Since the latest reports show that nearly everyone can learn the most
important social skills needed for relationship building, this guide focuses on
the ABC’s of Healthy Relationships. And so that you can be alerted to possible
problem areas, the ABC’s of unhealthy relationships is also covered.
For help, support, a shoulder to
cry on, for fun and to meet new people and interact with others, sections follow
that offer support groups, organizations, programs, tips, self-help and other
resources.
Since Dating and Relationships
are such a large, important part of everyday life, this ebook strives to help
clear up myths from facts and present an overview of surrounding issues. It
includes information along with a variety of helpful tips and resources
available based upon the most recent studies, research, reports, articles,
findings, products and services available, so that you can learn more about
Dating and Relationships.
Note that the
contents here are not presented from a medical practitioner, and that any and
all health care planning should be made under the guidance of your own medical
and health practitioners. The content within only presents an overview of Dating
and Relationships research for educational purposes and does not replace medical
advice from a professional physician.
BACK TO BASICS
Let’s take a peak at some of the
more common concepts above “love” relationships and see if they are myths or
based upon reality.
“All we need is love.” Myth or
not? Since love does seem to be able to overcome anything and everything, at
least on television and at the movies, this seems like a reality. However, truth
is, making relationships work takes skill and hard work, regardless of the
“love” factor. This is a myth here.
Just like in fairy tales, once
true love is found, people live happily ever after. Truth or myth? Granted
couples can look into each other’s eyes and have those warm fuzzy feelings.
However, truth is, all couples will have their ups and downs. “Happily ever
after” seems to imply a perfect, problem-less relationship when in reality,
those don’t exist.
It has to be “love at first
sight” in order to work long-term. Myth or truth? While this can be true for
some, it certainly doesn’t have to be for all couples in long-term
relationships. Many people grow together over time.
Since practically anyone can
learn the nuts and bolts of relationship building, focusing on some basic
techniques that can be learned is a must. The main ones, in no particular order,
are:
- Read: “Read” people well.
- Rapport: Develop rapport with others well.
- Finesse: Have some finesse; i.e. handle conversations and activities in a cordial manner
- Conflict Resolution: Resolve negative issues and conflicts without too much friction
- Support Co-Op: Gain the support and cooperation in working towards a common goal
Let’s take a little closer look at each and what learning is involved.
READING PEOPLE: BODY LANGUAGE BRIEFING
Body
language is the meaning behind the words or the “unspoken” language.
Surprisingly, studies show that only up to an estimated 10 percent of our
communication is verbal. The majority of the rest of communication is unspoken.
This unspoken language isn’t rocket science. However, there are some
generalizations or basic interpretations that can be applied to help with the
understanding or translating of these unspoken meanings. Here are some basics
below.
Smile – People like warm smiles. Think of a
heartfelt warm-fussy, maybe your favorite pet, and smile.
Eyes - If you don’t look someone in the eyes while
speaking, this can be interpreted as dishonesty or hiding something. Likewise,
shifting eye movement or rapid changing of focus/direction can translate
similarly. If more than one person is present in a group, look each person in
the eye as you speak, slowly turning to face the next person and acknowledge him
or her with eye contact as well. Continue on so that each person has felt your
warm, trusting glance. Some suggest beginning with one person and moving
clockwise around the group so that no one is missed, and so that you are not
darting around, seemingly glaring at people.
Attention Span / Attitude – Other people can tell
what type attitude you have by your attention span. If you quickly lose focus of
the other person and what is being said, and if your attention span wanders,
this shows through and makes you seem disinterested, bored, possibly even
uncaring.
Attention Direction – If you sit or stand so that
you are blocking another in the party, say someone is behind you, this can be
interpreted as rude or thoughtless. So be sure to turn so that everyone is
included in the conversation or angle of view, or turn gently, at ease and
slowly, while talking, so that everyone is incorporated, recognized and involved
in the conversation. Again some suggest the clockwise movement when working a
group.
Arms Folded / Legs Crossed– This can be seen as
defensive or an end to the conversation. So have arms hang freely or hold a
glass of water, a business card or note taking instruments while communicating
with others. Be open with open arms. Note: If you need to cross legs, cross at
your ankles and not your knees. Sitting tightly folded up says that you are
closed to communications.
Head Shaking – This is fairly accurate. If people
are shaking their heads while you speak, they are in agreement. If they are
shaking, “no,” disagreement reigns in their minds.
Space / Distance – On the whole, people like their
own personal body space. Give people room and keep out of their space. Entering
to close can be intrusive and viewed as aggressive.
Leaning – Sitting or standing, leaning is viewed as
interest. In other words, an interested listener leans toward the speaker.
Note others’ body language – While you are with
others, note how their bodies read. If a person suddenly folds his arms across
his chest and begins shaking his head “no,” you’ve probably lost him. Might try
taking a step back and picking up where the conversation began this turn for the
negative and regroup. It’s all about strategic planning!
DEVELOPING RAPPORT
Now let’s take
a quick peak at the basics of developing rapport with others. In a nutshell,
what it takes is to ask questions, have a positive, open attitude, encourage an
open exchange of communications (both verbal and unspoken), listen to verbal and
unspoken communications and share positive feedback. Here are a few details on
each step.
Ask Questions – Building report is similar to
interviewing someone for a job opening or it can be like a reporter seeking
information for an article. Relax and get to know the other person with a goal
of finding common ground or things of interest. You can begin by simply
commenting on the other person’s choice of attire, if in person, or about their
computer, if online, and following up with related questions. For example, in
person, you could compliment the other person on their color choice and or maybe
a pin, ring or other piece of jewelry and ask where it came from. In online
communications, you could compliment the other person’s font, smile faces or
whatever they use, mention that the communication style seems relaxed and ask if
he or she writes a lot. Then basically follow up, steering clear of topics that
could entice or cause arguing, while gradually leading the person to common
ground you’d like to discuss.
Attitude – have a positive attitude and leave social
labels at home (or in a drawer, if you’re at home). Many people can tell
instantly if you have a negative attitude or if you feel superior. So treat
other people as you would like to be treated. And give each person a chance.
Open Exchange – Do encourage others to share with
you. Some people are shy, scared or inexperienced in communicating and welcome
an opportunity to share. So both with body language and verbal communication
invite an exchange. Face the other person with your arms open, eyes looking into
theirs gently (not glaring or staring), and encourage a conversation with a warm
smile.
Listen – Be an active listener. Don’t focus your
thoughts on what YOU will say next. Listen to what the other person is saying
and take your clues from there, while also noting the body language. For
example, if the other person folds his arms and sounds upset, you may need to
change the subject or let him have some space and distance; maybe even try
approaching him later on and excusing yourself to go make a phone call (of head
to the buffet table or somewhere to escape). On the other hand, if the other
person is leaning towards you, following your every word and communicating with
your as if you were old friends, BINGO. You’ve built rapport!
Share – People like compliments. So hand them out
freely without over doing it. Leaving a nice part of yourself like a compliment
is a good memory for the other person to recall - -numerous times. That’s good
rapport. But do be sincere! False compliments aren’t easily disguised.
FUNDAMENTALS OF FINESSE
Basically using finesse in
handling relationships means use subtle skill, tact or diplomacy when handling a
situation. This doesn’t mean you need to use fancy, flowery phrases or lengthy
10-letter words or anything. It means focusing on the positive in a friendly
way, and not embarrassing the other person.
For instance, finesse means not
telling a host that he or she has body odor or that his or her house is looks
and smells like a trash dump. Instead, it means politely excusing yourself upon
entering, and informing the host of an unplanned meeting that came up or family
member who dropped by unexpectedly, and that you wanted to drop by for a quick
“Hello” to thank the host for the invitation before rushing off to your
appointment. Keep things simple here, smile and think, “James Bond” with that
English gentleman concept.
CONFLICT RESOLUTION
How do you handle conflicts? If
you can put your ego aside pretty much and try to keep friction to a minimum,
your relationships should move along fairly smoothly. Where you feel
disagreement, if you can “agree” to disagree on certain things with the other
party involved, that will help, too. In short, conflict resolution means to
pretty much deal with others as you would want them to deal with you.
For example, let’s look at
fictitious John and Mary, out on their first date at a restaurant. A drunk man
passes by their table and accidentally spills Mary’s glass of water. John gets
upset and says something along the lines of, “That makes me mad! I hate drunks.
They should all be put in jail.”
Mary, on the other hand, who has
an alcoholic father (unknown as this point to John), may feel embarrassed and
saddened by John’s revelation and get quiet, giving only brief “yes” or “no”
answers from that point on.
Hopefully, John picks up on
this. He can use finesse and conflict resolution and say, “Mary, I’m sorry for
my outburst and really didn’t mean that. Actually, a drunk driver caused an
accident that I read about recently, and I’d really like to learn about
alcoholism and understand it more.”
A statement like this could help
ease the conversation into a more productive stage. Then instead of having an
argument about social versus addictive drinking and possibly ending or breaking
up the relationship because of conflict, the relationship between two people
could actually develop a little farther along or deepen. And John and Mary could
both learn more about each other and broaden their perspectives in the process.
SUPPORT CO-OP
Relationships may begin with just two people, but more people eventually become
involved. Work friends and associates, family members, old school chums and
various other assorted persons interact daily, so gaining the support and
cooperation in working towards a common goal is a plus in relationship building.
To put this
into perspective, we can look at John and Mary again. If John gets along fine
with Mary, but can’t be in a room for 10 minutes with her dad or the rest of her
family and friends, the relationship will probably eventually bottom out; i.e.
not grow. However, if John can help build some type of relationship with them as
Mary does, like joining and participating in a holiday meal celebration, that is
a plus and can help build and grow a more solid relationship.
In summary,
by learning to use more of these “nuts and bolts” of relationship building,
focusing on some of these basic techniques can help build and grow
relationships. More can be learned about each technique by simply heading to the
local library or typing in the technique into your favorite search engine.
Forget that, “You can’t teach an old dog new tricks,” saying. We’re not dogs.
And humans CAN learn – at any age!
ABCs of HEALTHY, HAPPY RELATIONSHIPS
For Healthy, Happy Relationships, here are some basic
guidelines for reference. They are in alphabetical order only, not order of
importance.
Acceptance – Don’t try to change someone. This is a
must. If a person really wants to change, that person will need to be motivated
and take action. Period. Also regarding acceptance, accept limitations. He is
not Superman; you are not Wonder woman. No one is perfect; so do not expect
perfection. Accept the little flaws that come with each person. You accept
theirs; they accept yours. That’s life!
Bonding – Bonding with another person generally does
take time. Communicate – talk, listen, share the good and the bad, ask
questions, compliment instead of nag or insult. In short be a friend; make a
friend. That is healthy. If this bonding is lacking, it may mean professional
help is needed (like a counselor or therapist) or it may be time to move on to
healthier relationships.
Communications – Be open to the other person. Check
judgmental attitudes at the door. And give chances. Be fair, flexible and
friendly. If and when things get out of hand and it is your fault, apologize and
ask forgiveness and move on. Similarly, be acceptable to apologies and grant
forgiveness, too. Life is too short to stay focused on the negative too long. No
need to deny it; face it, deal with it and move on past it to improve and
strengthen your relationships.
Dependable – Be a friend; i.e. be dependable. Things
happen from time to time and cancellations are a part of life. But on the whole,
if you say you’ll do something, do it. Take responsibility for your own actions.
Expectations – Movies, romance novels and television
shows often portray life, especially human relationships, very differently than
it is in the real world – this is no secret. How many people really always
look like movie stars, have zero health ailments, endless income without hardly
ever going to work, fabulous cars and homes, friends and family who totally
adore them and come to their beckon call, no long-term problems because they all
end so quickly, etc.? And who can battle serious issues like one person having
an affair with someone else, and wrap the whole storyline up in two hours? Get
real. Expect a little less than the media portray and learn more about humans by
joining the real world scenario.
Flexible - Keep a little mystery in the
relationship. Juggle your schedule and invite the other person to a surprise
picnic or walk at a local public park area.
Goals - People usually have some goals together
over time. Develop some together. Toss what no longer works, what you outgrew or
what may no longer seem important or is finished. And then inherit or create new
goals. Working toward a common cause like saving for an annual vacation or a new
garden area can help people grow together.
Health – Take care of your own health and encourage
others, too. Even in this day and age of cable television with movies and the
Internet available 24 / 7, it’s still amazing the number of people out there who
can’t “Just say no” to unhealthy behaviors like smoking and drug abuse. Don’t be
afraid to share your healthy views and encourage healthy choices and living.
Intimacy – Closeness with a person takes time to
develop. And there’s more to intimacy than physical contact. Intimacy can mean a
hug during a tough time, a smile of encouragement in the face of adversity and
compassion when you least feel like giving. Don’t abuse or take advantage or the
other person. And don’t let yourself be abused or taken advantage of. Intimacy
takes commitment and sharing.
Just say no – You don’t always have to be voiceless
or agree with someone in a relationship. Be able to say, “No” and be an
individual, too.
Keep in Touch – Don’t let life separate you too
long. With technology today, you can stay in touch with cell phones and email.
No need to overdo it and be obsessive and controlling, but do stay in touch off
and on throughout the day with quick “Hellos” and “How are things going?”
Lemonade – Make lemonade out of those relationship
lemons. And “yes” there will be some, since life is not perfect! For example,
when your partner is late and you miss a movie date or restaurant reservation,
don’t make it a night of terror and destroy what’s left when you finally do get
together. Do something else instead, like relax at home with a video and scented
candles, and order subs (and lemonade!)
Make the Honeymoon Last – Remember how your felt
when you first got together? Do those little things that you did at the
beginning and make the honeymoon last. Bring home fresh flowers, shut off the
television, turn on some music and dance with your mate, compliment your mate,
make dates to go to places you used to frequent (the old neighborhood pizza
parlor, a local drive in, a hotel you went to on your honeymoon, etc.)
Nuts and Bolts – Don’t focus so much on the “nuts
and bolts” of who said what, when, how often and why they were wrong…. In other
words, sometimes during an argument, try losing your memory of who did what,
when and how many times in the past. Instead, humble yourself, apologize for
having messed up and hug your mate!
Open – Open windows when doors close. If you feel
you’ve been pushed to the limit and don’t want to try one more time, close the
door on that angle of the issue. Take a walk, get some ice cream and cool off
(literally). Then return relaxed and refreshed, and open a window to air
differences.
Parental Issues - Even the best of relationships
deal with someone’s past parental issues from time to time. Counseling can help,
yes, but something out of the blue can still trigger a parental issue that
someone struggles to deal with regardless of age, it seems. In these cases, just
realizing and stating that it’s normal, may never get resolved and is okay to
move on, can work wonders – for both parties.
Quality – With hectic schedules, quality time is
important. So even if you can only meet to watch a 30-minute comedy together
every evening, make and keep that date. You’ll probably be especially glad you
did when times get tough and have the wonderful memories to help get you by.
Respect – Respect not only each other, but each
other’s property, friendships, time, job and …everything. Remember you are
sharing life together and need to be courteous to one another and all the
affects you.
Sharing – Likewise share and don’t be stingy. “You
reap what you sow,” and “You can’t take it with you” when you die, as the
sayings go.
Trust – Healthy relationships involve people who
trust one another. One person doesn’t get involved in unhealthy risks with a
third party or lie to the other. There is an open, positive exchange of trust.
So if this is lacking, seek help from a professional counselor, if necessary,
and see what’s wrong.
Understanding – Happy, healthy couples try to
understand each other even if it means joining a self-help group, reading
library books about something foreign or unknown, or taking time to research and
delve into an issue. In other words, take time to gain knowledge and wisdom
before jumping the gun on something you may not really understand.
Violence – Violence is not welcome. Period. Don’t
accept it. Don’t dish it out. Anger Management is not just a movie term today.
There really is help out there if you or your mate needs it.
Warning Signs – Healthy people are generally alert
to warning signs of trouble and head them. Denial isn’t part of their life.
X-Ray – Happy people in healthy relationships
generally don’t look at each other as they look at x-rays. They don’t see
close-ups of each flaw and character make up. They learn to look beyond the bare
essentials and see the whole person.
Youthful Attitude – A youthful attitude can go far
in relationships. Old outlooks can spawn resentment, skepticism and other
negative connotations. A little dose of daily humor (reading comics, watching or
listening to comedy, etc.) and keeping in touch with youth (church activities,
neighborhood / social nonprofit functions and events, etc.) can help maintain a
fresh, youthful outlook.
Zombie – Don’t go through life like you’re a zombie!
It’s not up to your mate to fulfill your life. You need to take charge yourself!
ABC’s of Unhealthy, Sad Relationships
Unhealthy, Sad Relationships
have some general notable characteristics in common. Here are some basic
guidelines for reference. They are in alphabetical order only, not order of
importance.
Avoidance – Many people in unhealthy relationships
simply avoid facing reality. There are many reasons for this. For instance, deep
down inside, the people involved may be trying to make themselves appear
superior. Or perhaps they don’t want to face the fact that their mates really
aren’t who they say they are. For example, Person A might cover up and make
excuses for his mate, Person B, who is always late coming home from work and
almost always misses family functions. Person A could be trying to avoid
reality and make up excuses to cover up an affair that Person B is involved in
so that it doesn’t destroy their “perfect image” in everyone’s eyes. Or Person A
could be avoiding the fact that Person B is a workaholic.
Burnout – Although many can carry out romance
throughout their entire relationships, the actual honeymoon period does have to
end, in reality. And those who can keep the “love” fires burning, not 24 / 7 but
off and on regularly during their relationship, have better chances of healthier
relationships than those who suffer burnout and don’t know where to turn or who
turn to unhealthy solutions. In short, every relationship has its highs and
lows. During the low times, like maybe when one person begins to feel
disillusioned with marriage, or maybe trapped, tired, helpless, depressed or let
down, if this person reaches out to unhealthy alternatives, like getting a fake
substitution – maybe seeking another mate in secret, getting “high,” or some
other negative behavior, once-healthy relationships can suffer. Instead, the
couple needs to face issues together; add some new goals to the relationship, do
some fun things together more, talk more, etc.
Compatibility Issues – Opposites attract; or do
they? Sure it’s great to have some “spice” in your life. But relationships are
about getting your needs met – at least on some level. And constant negativity
can certainly hinder intimacy. So those who have a difficult time focusing on
what attracted them to their mates in the first place can suffer unhealthy, sad
relationships, constantly in conflict over issues with which they can’t agree.
Devotional Void – A lack of commitment or ardent
love can make for unhappy relationships. Being friends or roommates is one
thing. Being committed, loving soul mates is another. Being “in love” 24/7
doesn’t necessarily have to be a requirement, but being in a “loving” committed
relationship can make the difference.
Enthusiasm Dwindles – If you don’t add in some spice
once in awhile, you can get the same old, same old. Couples caught up in
routines can lose that spark of enthusiasm; i.e. zest of life in their
relationships if they forget to be spontaneous once in awhile or forget to
flavor their relationship with fun, adventure, romance.
Forgiveness Void – No one is perfect. Mistakes are a
part of life. Those unwilling or unable to forgive, can pretty much count on
having more unhealthy relationships over time. Relationships based or growing on
anger, spite, disgust, resentment or other negative feelings associated with
lack of forgiveness are like wilted flowers. They need tending to or they’ll
die.
Guise - Simulated relationships or those under the
guise of having a solid, happy relationship are not destined for success, on the
whole. Or rather false is as false does, as Forest Gump might say. Pretending
wears thin and doesn’t last long.
Harm – Harmful thoughts, words and actions can sure
lead to unhealthy relationships. An occasional outbreak during a stressful
moment might be considered normal like swearing; i.e. if someone hasn’t been
raped, battered (or other sever trauma has occurred) by the other party.
However, harmful, violent actions such as those and repeated verbal negativity
is abusive and not healthy in relationships – or life.
Indulgence – Instant gratification or indulgence of
unhealthy behaviors is a sign of trouble. Grabbing chocolate to satisfy a
craving is one thing. Grabbing illicit drugs or another mate in secrecy is
another. Yielding to unhealthy temptations and desires is a pathway to unhealthy
relationships.
Just say yes – Not being able to draw boundaries or
sustain limits is another possible path to sad relationships. For example, if
one person in the relationship has a difficult time saying “No” and setting
limits, his or her mate could always come in second, third or forth - - rarely
first in the other person’s eyes and agenda. And while it’s fine to take a back
seat once in awhile, people make time for priorities and in healthy
relationships, both parties feel and share the value of being number one with
one another.
Kick the Dog – Kicking the dog, not in a literal
sense (although that would be negative, too!) is characteristic of unhealthy
relationships. For example, if a person comes home angry and passes this anger
on to the dog by kicking it, that is not a healthy release of anger. The
unhealthier people are, the unhealthier they generally deal with stress. Help is
available.
Lemons – Unhealthy relationships often have at least
one party who can’t seem to make lemonade out of life’s lemons. Maybe he or she
has the wrong recipe. Or maybe the person is a bad cook. But assistance is
needed in this department!
Management Mania – Remember the “Odd Couple?” A
super manager personality can ruin an otherwise healthy relationship. Likewise a
super sloth can wreak one, too. A little give and take is called for.
“Neverland” – Ever heard something this in an
argument, “You never….?” Well trips to Neverland are for Peter Pan. Skip the
“always” and “nevers” in arguments and avoid unhealthy relationship issues. It’s
rare that someone does or does not do something 100 percent of the time.
Memories just seem to fail during opportunistic, stressful episodes sometimes
(not always, though!)
Ominous – Bad or ominous feelings, an omen…a feeling
deep inside that tells you something is wrong - this often accompanies unhealthy
relationships.
Pressure – When one party pressures (or forces) the
other to have sex, this is characteristic of an unhealthy relationship.
Questions – Part of communicating is asking and
answering questions. If this process causes problems, i.e. even the simplest of
questions arouses anger, suspicions, fighting, etc., this is a trait often found
with unhealthy relationships. The party who has difficulty answering questions
may be hiding something, dealing with control issues or dealing with substance
abuse (or other).
Responds Inappropriately – Some characteristics of
unhealthy relationships include playing head games, trying to humiliate, using
threats, insults or jealousy. These inappropriate responses suggest unhealthy
environment between the couple.
Silence – Silence isn’t always golden, as the saying
goes. If one person shuns or ignores the other, outside of a solitary or very
brief occurrence, this can reflect an unhealthy relationship.
Treatment – If healthcare treatments are being
ignored or stopped without the help of a professional; for example, in the case
of stopping anti-depressant medication after a severe (negative) episode (like
suicide), this can signal an unhealthy relationship. People need to take care of
themselves and not leave everything up to their mates in relationships.
Untidy / Unkempt – When one or both partners
disregards physical appearance for the duration (long-term, not just for a
weekend), this signals an unhealthy relationship. One or both could be abusing
substances, for example, or suffering depression.
Verbal Abuse /Violate – When one or both partners
use verbal abuse and / or violate or cause harm to the other’s person or
personal property, things or friends, this can be a red flag for an unhealthy
relationship. People should respect each other and each other’s property, things
and friends. And verbal abuse is not appropriate.
Weapons – Threatening a partner with a weapon, even
if it’s a household (or other) item used as a weapon is a sign of an unhealthy
relationship.
Xerox – A trait of an unhappy relationship can be
when a person is copying another, failing to be himself or herself. Some
personality disorders are also characterized by this trait that reportedly shows
up in a number of unhealthy relationships. And help is available.
Youthful Outlook / Emotions – An energetic, youthful
attitude toward life is one thing. Youthful expectations; i.e. outlook, and
emotions can be characteristic of unhealthy partners. Growing couples need
maturity as they grow together and face adult issues. Childish displays of
anger, hostility, selfishness, etc., don’t have much place in healthy, growing
partnerships.
Zero – Growing relationships need a foundation. Zero
to grow on is difficult to multiply. Got to start somewhere!
DATING AND RELATIONSHIP RESOURCES
Support and help is available for relationships in
many forms. And with the Internet, there is now help available 24 hours a day,
seven days a week. Here are some places to turn below.
Online Support:
About.com/People – Popular resource sections focus
on Dating Advice, Sexuality and Spirituality, Seniors, Marriage, Divorce,
Honeymoon Getaways and more. Surf categories for chat rooms, forums and other
online communication / tools and targeted support.
LoveTactics.com – sponsor of About.com, well known
for Internet resources. This site focuses on Lost Love, Dating, Relationship and
Commitment areas. Site features articles and consultation options.
Psychologytoday.com – Relationships (left-hand
column category). Then choose from dozen of relationship topics that contain
hundreds of articles to view online. Need help? Ask their therapist a question
for $19.95 online (educational purposes only – see your healthcare provider for
therapist referrals and help.) The site also shows therapists available
throughout the different states for help locating someone near you.
Sage-Hearts.com –
Site presents overview of various dating services and shares a variety of dating
success stories and tips, books, movies and poems section, and top dating sites
on the Internet with ratings.
Mail / Phone Contacts:
The American Association of Sex
Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT),
PO Box 5488
Richmond, VA 23220-0488.
Phone: 804-644-3288.
American Psychological Association
750 First Street, NE,
Washington, DC 20002-4242.
Telephone: 800-374-2721.
Other:
For other online and offline recommendations, it may be
safer to go through a favorite magazine site (like in Psychology Today above)
and search contacts. Also check in the Yellow Pages under listings for
Therapists, Psychologists, Psychoanalysts and Counselors. Other methods of
finding help are to ask friends, relatives, colleagues, church members or clergy
for assistance and recommendations.
Books:
The Relationship Rescue Workbook, by Phillip C.
McGraw; Hyperion (October 4, 2000).
Communication Miracles for Couples: Easy and Effective
Tools to Create More Love and Less Conflict, by Jonathan Robinson; Conari
Press (June 1, 1997).
We Love Each Other, But...: A Leading Couples Therapist
Shares the Simple Secrets That Will Help Save Your Relationship, by Ellen F.
Wachtel; Golden Books (February 1, 1999).
DATING AND RELATIONSHIP TIPS
Enjoy the variety of dating and relationship building tips
that follow. They are listed in no particular order.
Show Off – If you have a great body you’re trying to
show off and young physical appearance, yet worry because you still seem to have
difficulty finding dates and establishing relationships, here are some pointers.
Turn off the “ME” focus. Others tend to see that as boorish and think you only
care about yourself, not others and certainly not them. Instead, turn the focus
on outside interests that the other person can relate to, even if it has to be
the weather.
For help, tune in to an online news source like CNN or subscribe to
a national or other major newspaper or magazine like Newsweek or head to
the public library for the latest news briefs. Online dating might be a good
outlet for you, to as it generally offers a place to list all your great
physical qualities as well as outside interests and more, presenting a more
rounded dating candidate. Then those who are VERY interested in great abs,
youthful appeal, etc. will be able to check you out. And those who are
interested in the other interests can focus on those, too.
Sit, Don’t Take a Stand – Instead of voicing your
opinions over issues that you pretty well know cause heated arguments, don’t
take a stand. Just sit them out. There’s no shame in passing up an argument. For
example, if you both call yourselves “Christians,” yet one of you firmly has a
complete set of rules and regulations about what a “Christian” really is, and
doesn’t hesitate to voice this, skip over conversations about religion. If you
have to, simply say something along the lines of, “This gets us too heated, so
let’s pass on if for now and move on to something else.” Agree that it’s okay to
disagree. Because it is!
Traditions – Keep up with some old traditions from
each family. Alter some; create new ones. The main thing here is to make
positive memories that you can share and relive over and over, especially during
rough spots when you can’t remember why you are together. Traditions can be like
glue and bind you with a common past.
Sex VS Love – Sex and love are not the same thing.
Learn the difference and don’t measure love by your hormones.
Negotiator – Forget “his” and “hers” roles and who
“should” do what when…Learn to negotiate. What works one day may not work
another when timing is off, kids are on the run and disaster strikes, for
instance, when your mother-in-law drops by unexpectedly.
Love and Hate – Love your mate. It is OK to strongly
dislike (or “maybe” hate) a behavior, like cracking knuckles or biting
nails. But remember to love the person.
ONLINE (and Classified Ad) DATING
The Internet is still pretty
safe overall, even for seniors, according to research of various Internet safety
sites like WiredSafety.org who estimated a 90 – 97 percent “terrific” Internet.
People are chatting with one another, making cyber-dates. However, there are
some general rules of Internet etiquette or “netiquette” and some precautions to
take for possible dangers lurking there. Here are some pointers compiled from
several websites experienced in cyber-dating techniques and most tips work for
those who reply to classified ads, too.
SAFETY TIPS
1. Do Not Give Out Personal Information - Whether it’s via
email, online chat rooms, message boards, in your personal ad, etc., do not
disclose your personal information like your complete name, address, telephone
number, work place, etc. And use a third party email address instead of one with
your domain or work domain, too, that is easily traceable. For example, instead
of using
joe@seniortimes.com , set up an email account like
joe@yahoo.com or
joe@hotmail.com (search “free email accounts for places like this).
Preferred dating sites offer email forwarding so that members do not see private
information like this. So if you are on one that differs or makes you
uncomfortable, move along and click elsewhere.
2. Do Not Lie - Be up front about your age and appearance.
Better to not be caught in lies later on or lead someone on falsely.
3. Be Tactful and Leary - Do not believe everything you
read in posts, in emails: in general online. You could be chatting with a child
or someone faking their sexual orientation. The odds are that you will probably
encounter someone a tad “undesirable” from time to time, so try to use
appropriate replies, using tact, or ignore the encounter, if it suits the
situation.
4. Use Caution in Sharing Images - Whenever you think about
sharing a digital photo online, keep in mind that it may be possible for
thousands to see it on the Internet, not just one person. Plus your photo can be
copied, altered with different software out there today and posted elsewhere. If
you do use your image, send one that shows you with a warm smile, not a frown.
5. Ask if Unsure - Go slow like the tortoise in the race
with the hare and ask questions if you are unsure how to proceed in your contact
and communications. Contact the site owner or webmaster (check for contact info
when you register), ask trusted friends for helpful resources, check with local
authorities. Remember that old adage, “Better safe than sorry!”
6. Be careful if you decide to meet for the first date.
Remember there is safety in numbers, so meet in a public place with other
friends around.
7. Keep copies of communications in a file so that you can
show friends or the law in case your meeting or continued contact takes a bad
turn. And do report any problems and cooperate with authorities. They can get
information from your computer and communications to aid in tracking down
culprits in some cases. Don’t try to take matters into your own hands and stalk
the culprit yourself, though. Be safe.
8. Let men instigate online and offline relationships. Men
still like to pursue. Online studies show that this has proven safer, too, with
Internet dating. Men should make the first email move. And women should NOT
reply to men’s ads; let the men pursue. (Sorry guys!)
9. So that you don’t appear anxious or desperate or both,
generally wait for a day or 24-hour period before replying. And forget about
replying on weekend and holidays, at least at first, and being available via
instant messaging. This is especially important for women (double standards are
still around and even exist in the Internet dating scene) – you want to “appear”
socially active, confident – blah, blah, blah, even if you are just home washing
your hair.
10. Don’t date someone who is already married to someone
else – even if that person says he or she is getting a divorce. Let the divorce
happen first. Otherwise things could get ugly. And you may even have to face the
spouse / ex-spouse and children down the road. So think of others, too, when
even considering someone who is not single.
11. If after several emails or letters you decide to talk
on the phone, keep the first call short, around 10 minutes. Plan to have to
“rush” off. Your goal is to hear the person’s voice and talk a short while only,
not seeming over anxious.
12. Some gents do complain that the ladies do not reply. So
ladies, reply! At least say, “No, thank you.”
NETIQUETTE
Here are some general guidelines to refer to in your online
communications.
Use respectful tones and wording.
Swear words and hurtful remarks are not good for anyone. If someone presses you,
for example, to share confidential information that you shouldn’t, just say,
“No” and tell the site monitors / webmaster of the forum, chat room or online
dating site, if necessary.
Look for dating and other resource
websites that list street addresses instead of post office boxes or nothing at
all. Ask friends for referrals.
Try to avoid stretching the truth
about your accomplishments, job title, etc. Then if a relationship develops,
things will run much smoother.
Try to avoid many 1-word replies
and 1-sentence communications. Take some time to develop your thoughts and share
in your paragraphs. In short, be a friend.
All capital letters mean
“shouting” and is difficult to read at any length.
Take care and have fun with your cyber-dating J
LOWDOWN ON LONG LASTING LOVE
Now it’s time to take a look at the lowdown on how to
handle long lasting love. Here are some pointers on how to deal with some of the
top issues that when mishandled, can separate the men from the boys, as they
say, or rather the successful couples from the less-successful ones.
Conflict Management- The key here is to realize that
most couples do not solve every issue. In fact, reports show that couples don’t
solve most of their problems. So if you think your girlfriends or buddies are
winning more frequent battles than you, forget about it. It’s not happening.
Next realize that statistics still reflect about a 50
percent survival rate for married couples long-term. (I.E. the other half
divorce). And for those who do make it, it’s not so much about whether or not
they “love” each other more than the divorced people did. It’s generally more
about that fact that they developed better communication skills and learned to
understand each other better. And developed and learning - -these are action
verbs.
As you develop and learn your own job skills for
advancement, so can you and should you do the same for relationship advancement.
There is no shame in reaching out and improving in this area. Tips for
developing better communication skills and learning to understand your mate
better; i.e. improve conflict management, are as follows:
1. Take
turns speaking and listening to each other. As a speaker, speak only for
yourself and keep your comments brief. The stop and invite the listener to sum
up what you said (to make sure he or she understood).
2. Then
allow the other person to take over and follow the same format.
3. Share
back and forth in this same manner, jotting down conflict management notes as
needed for following up later and establishing new boundaries in your
relationship.
Some tips for handling conflict
resolutions are:
A. Start
with the person presenting his or her complaint in a general format, without
blame. For example, instead of saying, “You keep leaving dirty dishes out on the
counter all night,” say “I don’t like it when dirty dishes are left out on the
counter. During my college days, that attracted cockroaches.”
B. Encourage
each other to come to an agreement in a calm, friendly manner. Negotiate. Give
and take. Maybe the dishes from late night snacks don’t have to be washed with
soap and hot water, but can simply be rinsed off instead and stacked in the
sink’s dishpan or strainer, for instance.
C. If
negativity starts, stop it ASAP. In the above example, maybe the mate wants all
sinks clear and free for emptying coffee cups and other snack and breakfast
dishes. So this person starts swearing, calling the other person a lazy idiot or
something…STOP.
D. Calm
things back down. Use hand signals like coaches do in sports, if necessary. Men
can often relate to this. Do a “time out” mode. And take a breather or break for
a few minutes.
E. Then go
back to where things were fine, just before step “C.” Inject some humor and try
to resolve the conflict again. Maybe joke about how you pay much more for your
residence now and don’t have cockroach problems. And that OK, one sink can be
left clear, the other will hold a strainer of rinsed-off items. Any dirty ones
can be placed / stacked on one side of the strainer; rinsed items on the other.
Done deal!
Money Management – Some counselors say that money
handling is the number one priority issue of conflict among couples. Problems
arise with how money is viewed, how it should be save, spent and even earned. So
here are some general guidelines to money management to help iron out some
financial issues for couples.
- Decide to set aside some time for discussing your financial matters in peace and
quiet. Doing this quarterly (or monthly, if time and patience allow) is a good
idea. Then you can make sure your budget is on track and allow a glance ahead at
possible items coming up that may have been missed (like renewal of driver’s
licenses) and look back to see how you are doing.
- Gather
all of your budgeting materials in one place; notebook paper, 3-prong folder
with pockets for storing bills as they arrive in the mail, stamps, calculator,
envelopes, check book, savings book, pencil, pen. When it’s time to work on your
finances, bring everything out at once (maybe store in a special drawer or box
for handy pick-up-and-go.)
- On a
sheet of notebook paper (or a sheet from a budget planning guidebook or software
print out), list each monthly expense; rent / house payment, each utility,
charities / tithing, grocery money, misc. funds (to allow for medicines, snacks,
CD rental, etc.), car payments, insurance, credit card payments, etc.
For
guidelines, there are several things you can do; check with your local bank for
budget planning help, ask a librarian for help finding budget books, check your
computer’s software (Microsoft Word has some business / budgeting sheets that
could be altered to fit your family planning needs, for instance), visit local
office supply stores to see which types of budget planner notebooks and guide
they may have available, surf online or use the following one and
revise it to suit your needs...
www.digital-women.com/daily-planner for lots of planner pages to choose from
(for men and women!)
- Fill in
the blanks on your budget planner page. List how much each monthly payment is in
#3 above. Then total the list to see how much income you need to cover all your
expenses.
- Note
your incomes in a separate column off to the side. Does your income exceed your
expense total? If so, great. Simply have fun choosing what you’d like to both do
with your extra income, with long-term and short-term goals that are compatible
with both of you. If not, if income does not exceed expenses, and this is the
area where discourse usually strikes, it’s time to whittle down your expenses
and / or earn extra income.
Here are tips on whittling down income and being
more budget-conscious with your available funds:
- Use
coupons, even cyber-ones like from
www.valpak.com
- Check
with your insurance about higher deductibles and any special rate savings
programs they may have (like good driving discounts).
- Visit second hand stores for used books and clothing.
- Donate time and volunteer work instead of tithing money
- Buy no-name foods, toiletry and household items (shampoos, deodorants, light bulbs, etc.) instead of brand names.
- Cook at home more as entertainment and invite your neighbors and friends over. And skip eating out so much, renting CD / DVDs and going to movies.
- Track and monitor your spending. Jot purchases in a notebook and keep handy with your checkbook for quick reference. Review and see how you do weekly. Improve!
- Plan ahead. For example, save a little each month for Christmas so that in December, you’ll already have what you need for gifts already saved up. Likewise for annual insurance billings (like for the house) or for any other annual billings.
- See if you can trade services with others. For example, if you have a computer and can toss up a decent web page maybe you can create web pages for small business in the area in exchange for gift cards to use in their stores.
- Sell some of your stuff – try online auctions, garage sales, cheap classifieds, bulletin boards around town…
- Resist the urge to “immediately” fulfill a want. Instead, keep a list going of “wants.” If an item has been on there for a year, for example, then begin shopping for it. Look for bargains, try to trade for it, negotiate for a better deal. Waiting generally means you’ll really want it more (or not, and cross it off your list) and will actually USE it when you get it and not just toss it in a pile with other unopened or hardly used things that you just HAD to have.
- Check out library books like:
The Cheapskate Monthly Money Makeover, by
Mary Hunt; St. Martin's Press; Reissue edition (March 1, 1995).
Miserly Moms: Living on One
Income in a Two-Income Economy, by Jonni McCoy; Bethany House Publishers;
3rd edition (October 1, 2001).
The Complete Cheapskate: How
to Get Out of Debt, Stay Out, and Break Free from Money Worries Forever, by
Mary E. Hunt, Mary Hunt; St. Martin's Griffin; 1st edition (August 1, 2003).
SELF-HELP GUIDE
Self-help to help your relationship improve, here are some
exercises to take by yourself and share with your mate. Take them slow and
steady, at your own pace. Have fun with them. (There are no grades!)
Instructions: Jot your replies down on paper if you
like or in a private “couple’s” journal fur future reference. Add to them,
modify them, edit them as you’d like. The key is to have fun, learn more about
yourself, your mate and your relationship together, and grow.
Exercise A: List your three best traits. Then list
your mate’s top three traits you admire.
Exercise B: List the top three areas in your life
that you would like to work on improving. These can be any range of things from
improving income to education to giving more, losing more weight, being less
shy, etc. Then list the top three areas in your mate’s life that you’d like to
see improved.
Fill in the blanks, and then have your mate reply to the
same questions. Take turns reading your replies and learning more about each
other:
Regarding my appearance, I think I am ______________
A funny thing that happened to me was ______________
One place I would love to visit is _____________________
If money was no object, I would buy ________________
A person who meant a lot to me while I was growing up was
_________________because ______________________
A major lesson I learned in life is ___________________
If I could have any job in the world, it would be ___________
A hero of mine is (can be fictional) ___________________
If a dream could come true, I’d like ___________________
One way I’d like to give back would be _________________
On a personal note, here is where I would like to be:
1 year from now:___________________
3 years from now: __________________
5 years from now: ___________________
As a couple, here is where I’d like us to be:
1 year from now:___________________
3 years from now: __________________
5 years from now: ___________________
One things about you that makes me smile are ________
I’ll always remember this about you _____________
Exercise: List what you feel is good about your relationship.
Exercise: List what you feel could use work / improvement in your relationship.
Exercise: How could you help improve your relationship? And how do you think your partner could help improve the relationship?
Reply:
1. What is the best memory that comes to mind about your mate?
2. What do you see in the future for your relationship: Location? Jobs? House? Pets? Children? Travel?
3. What fun things would you like to try and do with your mate more (Ballroom dancing? Gourmet cooking? Snow skiing? Other?) When will you schedule one of these new things?
In summary, since the latest
reports show that just about anyone and everyone can learn the important social
skills needed for relationship building, use what you can of this guide and its
resources mentioned to focus on your own Healthy Relationships. Be alert to
possible problem areas, and take action to improve your life.
ADDENDUM: GENERIC BUDGET WORKSHEET
| Monthly Budget Guide |
Income Amount |
| Person A: Employment net income (after taxes) |
|
| Other income |
|
| Person B: Employment net income (after taxes) |
|
| Other income |
|
| TOTAL INCOME |
|
| |
Expenditure Budget |
| Mortgage / Rent |
|
| Cable / Internet Access |
|
| Cell Phones |
|
| Utilities (gas, electric, H2O) |
|
| Phone (landline) |
|
| Groceries |
|
| Insurance (Car/Home/Life) |
|
| Car Payment |
|
| Auto Insurance |
|
| Gas |
|
| Misc (car maintenance, clothes, entertainment, emergency, etc.) |
|
| Credit card payments |
|
| Savings / Investments |
|
| Other expenses |
|
| TOTAL EXPENSES |
|
BALANCE
(income less expenditure) |
|
*********
DISCLAIMER: This information is not
presented as being from a medical practitioner and is for educational and
informational purposes only. The content is not intended to be a substitute for
professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of
your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may
have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice
or delay in seeking it because of something you have read.
Since natural and/or dietary supplements are not
FDA approved they must be accompanied by a two-part disclaimer on the product
label: that the statement has not been evaluated by FDA and that the product is
not intended to "diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any disease."
*********
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